Thou Shalt Not Steal-only From Other Comedians.

Was I In Here Last Night And Did I Spend A $20 Bill? Oh, Thank Goodness... I Thought I'd Lost It.

Scotch Needs Water Like A Fish Needs A Bicycle.

Now Don't Say You Can't Swear Off Drinking; It's Easy. I've Done It A Thousand Times.

I'd Rather Have Two Girls At 21 Each Than One Girl At 42.

Show Me A Great Actor And I'll Show You A Lousy Husband. Show Me A Great Actress, And You've Seen The Devil.