Thou Shalt Not Steal-only From Other Comedians.

I Was Married Once--in San Francisco. I Haven't Seen Her For Many Years. The Great Earthquake And Fire In 1906 Destroyed The Marriage Certificate. There's No Legal Proof. Which Proves That Earthquakes Aren't All Bad.

How Is The Human Race Going To Survive Now That The Cost Of Living Has Gone Up Two Dollars A Quart?

The Advantages Of Whiskey Over Dogs Are Legion. Whiskey Does Not Need To Be Periodically Wormed, It Does Not Need To Be Fed, It Never Requires A Special Kennel, It Has No Toenails To Be Clipped Or Coat To Be Stripped. Whiskey Sits Quietly In Its Special Nook Until You Want It. True, Whiskey Has A Nasty Habit Of Running Out, But Then So Does A Dog.

Buried My Wife The Other Day. Had To, She Died.

When Asked To Borrow Money: "i'll See What My Lawyer Says. . . . And If He Says Yes, I'll Get Another Lawyer.