The Only Time I Ever Enjoyed Ironing

The Best Contraceptive For Old People Is Nudity.

I Serve Dinner In Three Phases: Serve The Food, Clear The Table, Bury The Dead.

My Cooking Is So Bad My Kids Thought Thanksgiving Was To Commemorate Pearl Harbor.

You Know You're Old When Your Walker Has An Airbag.

We Have Far Too Many Kids. At One Time In The Playpen There Was Standing-room Only. It Looked Like A Bus Stop For Midgets. It Used To Get So Damp In There, We'd Have A Rainbow Above It.