Please Don't Stand Up On My Account.

Failure Is The Only Thing I've Ever Been A Success At.

Congress May Be Going Home For The Holidays Soon. How Can You Beat A Christmas Gift Like That?

I've Been Playing The Game So Long That My Handicap Is In Roman Numerals.

In England When You Make A Movie Even The Weather Is Against You. In Hollywood The Weatherman Gets A Shooting Schedule From All The Major Studios And Then Figures Out Where He Can Fit In A Little Rain Without Upsetting Metro-goldwyn-mayer Too Much.

I Have Performed For 12 Presidents And Entertained Only Six.