I'm A Great Lover, I'll Bet.

When I Was Ten, My Family Moved To Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I Was Twelve, I Found Them.

I Told My Wife She Looks Sexy With Black Fingernails. Now She Thinks I Slammed The Car Door On Her Hand On Purpose.

People Come Up To Me And Say, 'emo, Do People Really Come Up To You?'

I'm Learning Cuban. It's Like Spanish, But With Fewer Words For Luxury Items.

I Was The Kid Next Door's Imaginary Friend.