I Like Children. If They're Properly Cooked.

I Note The Derogatory Rumors Concerning The Use Of Alcoholic Stimulants And Lavish Living. It Is The Penalty Of Greatness.

I've Been On A 46-year Diet Of Olives And Alcohol. The Latter I Consume. The Former I Save And Use Over Again In More Alcohol. In My Lifetime, I Imagine, I Have Consumed At Least $200,000 Worth Of Whisky.

Alcoholic: Anybody Who Drinks More Than I Do.

I Don't Know Why I Ever Come In Here. The Flies Get The Best Of Everything.

The Funniest Thing A Comedian Can Do Is Not Do It.