I Don't Drink Water. Have You Seen

How Is The Human Race Going To Survive Now That The Cost Of Living Has Gone Up Two Dollars A Quart?

If It Is A Joint Return, We Are Instructed To Print The Given Names Of Both Husband And Wife. But Since Some Of The Names That Husband And Wife Give Each Other Are Hardly Suited To Print, We Must Proceed Cautiously.

I Always Made Up My Own Acts; Built Them Out Of My Knowledge And Observation Of Real Life. I'd Had Wonderful Opportunities To Study People; And Every Time I Went Out On The Stage I Tried To Show The Audience Some Bit Of True Human Nature.

Variant: I Was Driven To Drink By A Woman. I Am Forever Grateful, Yet I Never Had The Good Manners To Thank Her.

It Was A Marriage Of Convenience, As My Father Had A Blister On His Big Toe And Couldn't Travel Far To Find A Girl.