A Man Who's Intoxicated All The Time

The Only Thing A Lawyer Won't Question Is The Legitimacy Of His Mother.

Christmas At My House Is Always At Least Six Or Seven Times More Pleasant Than Anywhere Else. We Start Drinking Early. And While Everyone Else Is Seeing Only One Santa Claus, We'll Be Seeing Six Or Seven.

It Is Funnier To Bend Things Than To Break Them.

It's A Funny Old World. A Man's Lucky If He Gets Out Of It Alive.

I Always Made Up My Own Acts; Built Them Out Of My Knowledge And Observation Of Real Life. I'd Had Wonderful Opportunities To Study People; And Every Time I Went Out On The Stage I Tried To Show The Audience Some Bit Of True Human Nature.