You Have Such A Huge Career ...

Life Is Tough, And If We Don't Laugh, We're Going To - Our Head Will Explode.

Do You Want Me To Apologize After Every Joke? If It Doesn't Offend Somebody It's Probably Not A Joke. It's Probably An Observation That's Not Funny. It's Gotta Offend Somebody Somewhere.

It Really Bothers Me When Some People Say That All Cops Are Racist. Of Course That's Not True. Most Of You Are Just [expletive] To Everybody.

Charlie Sheen Is To Stand-up What Larry Flynt Is To Standing Up.

My Parents Passed Away When I Was A Teenager, So I Had To Learn Different Survival Techniques, I Think, In Comedy. You Know, Using Comedy As A Pressure Release, As A Release Valve In Life Really Kept My Sanity.