This Job Will Drive Me To Drink,

A Woman Drove Me To Drink And I Didn't Even Have The Decency To Thank Her.

I Was Almost Put Out Of Business By A Well-meaning Corpse.

I Never Drink Water. I'm Afraid It Will Become Habit-forming.

I Personally Stay Away From Natural Foods. At My Age I Need All The Preservatives I Can Get.

I Was Married Once--in San Francisco. I Haven't Seen Her For Many Years. The Great Earthquake And Fire In 1906 Destroyed The Marriage Certificate. There's No Legal Proof. Which Proves That Earthquakes Aren't All Bad.