Some Weasel Took The Cork Out Of

I Don't Have To Attend Every Argument I'm Invited To.

Christmas At My House Is Always At Least Six Or Seven Times More Pleasant Than Anywhere Else. We Start Drinking Early. And While Everyone Else Is Seeing Only One Santa Claus, We'll Be Seeing Six Or Seven.

The Funniest Thing A Comedian Can Do Is Not Do It.

All My Available Funds Are Completely Tied Up In Cash.

I've Been Barbecued, Stewed, Screwed, Tattooed, And Fried By People Claiming To Be My Friends. The Human Race Has Gone Backward, Not Forward, Since The Days We Were Apes Swinging Through The Trees.