The Squirrel In My Yard Really Knows

Saw A Man In Whole Foods Yelling At His Son, What Are You Doing?! You Know I Don't Eat Bread!! Is There Such A Thing As Health Food Abuse?

I'm Completely Changing My Diet. My Nutritionist Recommends I Must Now Stop Eating Food I Have Already Eliminated.

Full House Was A Show That Was Done For Ten-year-olds. The Critics Hated It. They Said Terrible, Terrible Things About It. But It Should Have Been Reviewed By Ten-year-olds. That's Who It Was Made For. They Loved It. And If They Loved It, Great. Why The Hell Does A Fifty-year-old Guy Working At A Big Newspaper Have To Tell Me I'm A Piece Of Crap?

Stop It, Stop Lighting Your Butthol On Fire, And Everybody Listen To Me. If You Light Your Ass On Fire, I Hope You Have Boxers Or A Filter Of Somekind, Because If Your A Bareass Person. Not A Lot Of People Have Done This. Stop It. This Is Why. You Can Cauterize Your Asshole Shut, So When You Fart It Has Nowhere To Go And You Can Have A Fart Attack.

I Love Telling Stories And Acting And Entertaining People. I Don't Want To Make Fun Of People.