Sure, Retarded Jokes Write Themselves. But The

Usually The Beginning Of A Story That People Hear A Lot. For Example, "my Girlfriend Is Upset About Her New Haircut" Or "my Dad Keeps Losing His Car Keys." And Then I Just Think Of Different Ways The Story Could End. "my Girlfriend Is Upset About Her New Haircut. I Don't Understand Why She's Crying. I'm The One Who Has To Get A New Girlfriend." Then I Try It Out On Stage. I Don't Do A Lot Of Re-writing. My Jokes Either Work Or They Don't. The Trick Is Just To Write A Ton Of Jokes.

I Have A Rare Form Of Body Dysmorphia In Which I Absolutely Can't Stand How Good I Look.

I Want People To Just Be Paying Attention Even If They're Not Necessarily Laughing At Something, Or If It Takes Them A While To Get Something, I Don't Mind That. If Half The Crowd Gets The Joke And The Other Half Is Sitting There Scratching Their Heads, That's Just As Good For Me If I Like The Joke, Because I Feel Like It Just Brings People In More.

I Feel Worthless. My Girlfriend Was Attacked On The Subway Yesterday. And I Can't Even Enjoy It.

I Want To Get A Tattoo Of The Word Irony, Only Misspelled.