Sex Isn't Necessary. You Don't Die Without

I've Been Barbecued, Stewed, Screwed, Tattooed, And Fried By People Claiming To Be My Friends. The Human Race Has Gone Backward, Not Forward, Since The Days We Were Apes Swinging Through The Trees.

I Must Have A Drink Of Breakfast.

I Once Donated A Pint Of My Finest Red Corpuscles To The Great American Red Cross And The Doctor Opined My Blood Was Very Helpful; Contained So Much Alcohol They Could Use It To Sterilize Their Instruments.

When Life Hands You Lemons, Make Whisky Sours.

Thou Shalt Not Steal-only From Other Comedians.