Once I Opened Up A Fortune Cookie

My Boy Is A Mean Kid. I Came Home The Other Day And Saw Him Taping Worms To The Sidewalk, He Sits There And Watches The Birds Get Hernias. Well, Only Last Christmas I Gave Him A B-b Gun And He Gave Me A Sweatshirt With A Bulls-eye On The Back. I Told My Kids, "someday, You'll Have Kids Of Your Own." One Of Them Said, "so Will You."

If You Could Learn To Make Love, I Could Fire The Chauffer.

I've Been Writing Jokes Since I'm Fifteen. Not Out Of Happiness, But To Go To A Different Place, Because Reality Wasn't Good To Me.

Better To Keep Quiet And Let People Think You're An Idiot Than Speak Up And Confirm It.

Last Week I Told My Psychiatrist, 'i Keep Thinking About Suicide', And He Told Me From Now I Have To Pay In Advance.