Oh, The Self-importance Of Fading Stars. Never

In Most Betting Shops You Will See Three Windows Marked 'bet Here', But Only One Window With The Legend 'pay Out'.

When I Was A Boy, I Naively Thought That This Thing Called Happiness Would Be Something I Would Wake Up To Find Every Day Once I Could Smoke, Drink And Fornicate.

The Only Reason I Would Have Liked To Have Gone To University Is Because I Like Cricket. Not A Very Good Reason To Want To Go, But As Good As Any, I Suppose.

You Never See A Pretty, Unattached Girl On A Racecourse. But You Often See Positive Gangs Of Rather Unpretty Ones. They Are The Owners Or The Owners' Wives And They Wear Mink In All Weathers And Far Too Much Make-up. For Some Odd Reason, I Can Never Work Out Why They Always Seem To Be Married To Haulage Contractors In The North, Builders In The South And Farmers In The West.

My Misdeeds Are Accidental Happenings And Merely The Result Of Having Been In The Wrong Bar Or Bed At The Wrong Time, Say Most Days Between Midday And Midnight.