My Mother Used To Rock Me -

I Drink Too Much. The Last Time I Gave A Urine Sample It Had An Olive In It.

When I Was Born I Was So Ugly The Doctor Slapped My Mother.

My Son's An Idiot. He Sprained His Ankle Playing Golf. He Fell Off The Ballwasher.

Last Week I Told My Psychiatrist, 'i Keep Thinking About Suicide', And He Told Me From Now I Have To Pay In Advance.

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, I Took Her To The Top Of The Empire State Building And Planes Started To Attack Her.