I'm A Late-night Guy.

Ex-girlfriends Will Find Themselves In My New Routine. Sometimes They Like That, And Sometimes They Definitely Do Not. But Comedians Should Come With A Giant Warning Or Disclaimer: If You Date Me, It Will Be In My Act.

You Can Easily Tell If A Person Is Lying And Cheating On You If They Say, I Love You. I Would Never Lie To You Or Cheat On You.

I'm Shooting A Pilot Based On My Show. It's A One-camera Show. I Play Myself.

If You Have To Be At Work At 8, It's Always Like, 7:54. Just Enough Time To Do Nothing. To Just Lay There And Go, "i Can't Do Anything! I Can't Even Have An English Muffin!

Let's Talk A Little About Love. Sometimes You Meet Somebody And You Have What Is Known As A Relationship And Things Can Go Great. If Things Go Great You Have A Great Relationship. Sometimes It Doesn't Go So Great And I Call That A Relationshit!