I Never Met A Kid I Liked.

Alcoholic: Anybody Who Drinks More Than I Do.

There Are Only Two Real Ways To Get Ahead Today - Sell Liquor Or Drink It.

Some People Are Born Losers; Others Acquire The Knack Gradually.

I've Been Barbecued, Stewed, Screwed, Tattooed, And Fried By People Claiming To Be My Friends. The Human Race Has Gone Backward, Not Forward, Since The Days We Were Apes Swinging Through The Trees.

The First Thing Any Comedian Does On Getting An Unscheduled Laugh Is To Verify The State Of His .