I Have No Grand Scheme.

Sometimes You Need A Cigarette. Like After You Have Sex With A Beautiful Woman Or A Confused Young Man.

Even Now, As We Speak, People Are Having Sex With Animals. And We Wonder Why The Animals Attack Us.

I Watch The Discovery Channel, And You Know What I've Discovered? I Need A Girlfriend.

I'm A Stand-up Comic. Anything Else I Do Besides That Is A Plus, But Stand-up Comedy Is What I Do, It's What I've Been Doing And It's What I'm Going To Keep Doing.

Next Time Your Lady Leaves The Room, Take A Dump On The Floor! 'cuz There Is Nothing More Mysterious Than A Dump On The Floor! And It Always Starts A Conversation, Am I Right? Honey, What Happened? You Better Hold Me 'cause I'm Afraid.