I Have Been Commissioned To Write An

My Misdeeds Are Accidental Happenings And Merely The Result Of Having Been In The Wrong Bar Or Bed At The Wrong Time, Say Most Days Between Midday And Midnight.

I Have Been Commissioned To Write An Autobiography And I Would Be Grateful To Any Of Your Readers Who Could Tell Me What I Was Doing Between 1960 And 1974.

I Have Stood In A Bar In Lambourn And Been Offered, In The Space Of Five Minutes, A Poached Salmon, A Leg Of A Horse, A Free Trip To Chantilly, Marriage, A Large Unsolicited Loan, Ten Tips For A Ten-horse Race, Two Second-hand Cars, A Fight, And The Copyright To A Dying Jockey's Life Story.

When I Was A Boy, I Naively Thought That This Thing Called Happiness Would Be Something I Would Wake Up To Find Every Day Once I Could Smoke, Drink And Fornicate.

A Lot Of Girls Annoy Me Who Go To University - One Girl Told Me She Was Going To Oxford Because It Was Something To Do Between Leaving School And Getting Married. And I've Got To Pay For That Being An Income Tax Payer.