I Go Running When I Have To.

I've Been On So Many Blind Dates, I Should Get A Free Dog.

The Only Way To Really Have Safe Sex Is To Abstain. From Drinking.

My Husband Wanted One Of Those Big-screen Tvs For His Birthday. So I Just Moved His Chair Closer To The One We Have Already.

I've Been Pitching A Show Of Five Female Stand-up Comedians Through The Generations, From Phyllis Diller To Amy Schumer, So When I Got An E-mail Asking Me If I Would Participate In The Women In Comedy Festival, I Was Thrilled.

I Found Out Why Cats Drink Out Of The Toilet. My Mother Told Me It's Because The Water Is Cold In There. And I'm Like: How Did My Mother Know That?