Happiness Means Quiet Nerves.

I Don't Know Why I Ever Come In Here. The Flies Get The Best Of Everything.

Comedy Is Merely Tragedy Happening To Someone Else.

I Have Been Advised By The Best Medical Authority, At My Age, Not To Attempt To Give Up Alcohol.

I've Been Drunk Only Once In My Life. But That Lasted For Twenty-three Years.

There's No Such Thing As A Tough Child - If You Parboil Them First For Seven Hours, They Always Come Out Tender.