Clowns Have No Respect For Pie.

How To Be A Bouncer: Be An Asshole; Stand Near A Door.

Sometimes I See A Bird Fly By And I Feel Jealous. But Then Other Times I See A Bird Fly Into A Closed Window And I Feel Laughing.

You Need An Audience To Help You Figure Out What's Working And What's Worth Putting On Your Album Or Your Special - Or Even Just What's Worth Touring With.

A Lifevest Protects You From Drowning And A Bulletproof Vest Protects You From Getting Shot, And A Sweater Vest Protects You From Pretty Girls.

For Me And Most Of My Friends Who Are Comedians, If You've Been Doing Comedy For A While, Your Tolerance For Things Actually Moves. I Find It Very Hard To Be Shocked, And When Other People Aggressively Take Offense To Something, I'm Sometimes Confused.