Before We Make Love, My Husband Takes

Life Is Very Tough. If You Don't Laugh, It's Tough.

I Am Not Lucky. I Am The Type Who Would Go To Lourdes And Drown In The Waters.

Because I'm The Only Performer Who Comes Out And Says I've Had Plastic Surgery, I've Become The Plastic Surgery Poster Girl, Which Is Hilarious, Because Everybody Has Done It And They All Deny It. They Stand There, Like The Bride Of Frankenstein, They've All Got Stitches, And They All Say, 'i've Done Nothing.' I Talk About It.

I Think We All In Comedi Business, Especially When We Reach A Certain Age, Are Divas Up To A Point. I Love When A Limousine Comes For Me, I Can't Lie About That. I Love When You Go To A Restaurant And They Say, "come This Way, Miss Rivers," And You Get A Good Table. I Love All That, The Perks That Come With The Business.

All Angelina Jolie Wants To Do Is Do Good For People. And She Was Saying To Me: If I Could Just Make One Person Happy, Joan, I'll Die Satisfied. I Said: Easy! Just Give Jennifer Aniston Back Her Husband.