Just Remember: Surviving Is The Best Revenge,

I Was Not An Attractive Child.

And Since We're All Adults Here, Let's Be Brutally Honest-most Babies Are Not Actually Attractive. In Fact, They're Weird And Freakish Looking. A Large Percentage Of Them Are Squinty-eyed And Bald And Their Faces Are All Mushed Toegther, Kind Of Like Renee Zellweger Pushed Up Against A Glass Window.

If You Don't Go To Broadway, You're A Fool. On Broadway, Off Broadway, Above Broadway, Below Broadway, Go! Don't Tell Me There Isn't Something Wonderful Playing. If I'm Home In New York At Night, I'm Either At A Broadway Or An Off Broadway Show. We're In The Theater Capital Of The World, And If You Don't Get It, You're An Idiot.

"i Wouldn't Go Over Here To Lisa Rinna And I Would Say 'are Those Breasts Real, Are You Wearing Underwear?'"

Learn What Not To Expect. Irish Catholic They Get Sh**** Little Rings. Irish Women Get Crappy Rings. Baptist Get The Worst Because They Get The Rings Under Water. When It Comes Up, It's Garbage. Jewish, Big Rings. Episcopalian Big Rings. Italians-the Best, Because They Get Them Off Of Dead People, And Second Wives Get The Biggest Rings Of All.