You Can't Teach An Old Hater New

When I'm Looking For Hot Button Answers To Tough Questions, I Don't Look To Congressman Or My Mayor. I Say, 'what Would Miss U.s.a. Have To Say About This?'

I'm Not Racist, I've Got A Black President.

I Always Thought That If I Got No Love At All Early In My Standup Career, Or I Was God Awful, I Thought I'd Get Into Psychology.

I Want To Be Able To Challenge Myself. And Do Things That Are Away From What I Usually Do. Stand-up Is Safe For Me. I Can Do Stand-up In Front Of Twenty-five Thousand People, And I'm Like, "i Know How To Do This. This Is What I Do." I Want To Be A Little Scared.

You Know You're Lazy When You Run Out Of Toilet Paper And Use The Cardboard Roll To Wipe With.