You Can't Teach An Old Hater New

Teach Your Kids To Make Deplorable Choices And Hopefully They'll Rebel And Make The Right Ones.

Every Time You Come In From Cheating On Someone, They'll Just Whip Out The Most Adorable Term Of Endearment. Like, They'll Wake Up, Bright And Early, Sleep In Their Eyes And Say: "hey, Perfect."

Text A Guy You Like Right Now, "i'm Thinking About You." If He Says, "mmm Are You In Bed?" Never Speak To Him Again He's A Lifelong Moron.

My Favorite Sexual Position Is When The Girl Is Facing Mecca And I Am Fighting Off A Wolf.

You Know You're Lazy When You Run Out Of Toilet Paper And Use The Cardboard Roll To Wipe With.