When We Live Up To Our Constitution,

There Are Really Only So Many Foods And So Many Ways You Can Prepare Them.

I Got My Dog Three Years Ago Because I Was Drunk In A Pet Store. We Had Nine Cats At The Time. The Cats Started Hiding The Alcohol After That.

I Don't Have A Bank Account Because I Don't Know My Mother's Maiden Name.

The Problem With Cats Is That They Get The Exact Same Look On Their Face Whether They See A Moth Or An Axe-murderer.

I Have Jokes I've Told Before And Will Tell Again, But My Favorite Part Of The Night Is Talking To The Crowd.