Whatever You Do, You're Going To Be

People Are Brought Up To Think, "it's Nice To Be Modest. It's Nice To Hide Your Light Under A Bushel." Well, Bullshit! I've Never Bought That. In My Business, The Only Thing You've Really Got Is Your Talent; It's The Only Thing You Have To Sell.

I Wouldn't Have The Slightest Interest In Running For Public Office. I'd Rather Make Jokes About Politicians Than Become One Of Them.

I'm Not One Of Those Who Spring Up Yelling, "yippee! Another Day!" I'll Grumble And Sulk Around A Couple Of Hours, Reading Newspapers And Trying To Pick Out An Idea I Might Do Something With On The Show. But I Don't Really Start Functioning Until Noon Or Later; Then About Two I Go To The Studio And The Pace Begins To Quicken.

Democracy Means That Anyone Can Grow Up To Be President, And Anyone Who Doesn't Grow Up Can Be Vice President.

We Have Two Kinds Of Air: Regular And Chunky Style.