The Good News Is Hopeful Doesn't Mean

Unvisited Tombstones, Unread Diaries, And Erased Video Game High-score Rankings Are Three Of The Most Potent Symbols Of Mankind's Pathetic And Fruitless Attempts At Immortality.

I'm Always In Those Tabloids Where They Show Who's Badly Dressed. It's Funny, Because Each Time I'm Getting My Picture Taken, I'm Thinking, This Is A Nice Outfit.

She, Uh, Came Out Of The Closet Recently, My Niece. Um... She Announced To The Family That She's A Lesbian And... She's Seven, Did I Mention That? And, Uh, I Don't Even Know If She Knows What A Lesbian Is, But I Support Her Completely. And, Uh... I'll Tell You What's Heartbreaking. My Sister Punished Her For It. Can You Believe That? No Pussy For A Week. Which To Us May Not Sound Like... But When You're Seven, You Know, A Week Is A Long Time.

I Don't Want To Be A Facilitator For Other Funny People. It Doesn't Seem Smart For Me To Be In A Comedy And Not Be Funny. My Spirit Can't Take It.

I Learned Pretty Early Is I Never Defend My Material; It's For Other People To If Someone Is Offended. It's So Subjective, And If You Don't Find It Funny, It's Definitely Going To Be Offensive.