The Democrats Should Have An Empty Chair

Only A Woman Can Make You Feel Wrong For Doing Something Right.

My Mother Got Sick When I Was Rich. And My Mother, You Know … I Don’t Really Want To Get Into It, But My Mother Was Sicker Than My Father. And My Mother’s Alive. My Mother’s Fine, Ok? I Remember Going To The Hospital To See My Mother And Wondering, ‘was I In The Right Place?’ Like, This Was A Hotel. Like It Had A Concierge, Man. If The Average Person Really Knew The Discrepancy In The Health Care System, There’d Be Riots In The Streets, Ok? They Would Burn This M-therf—ker Down!

Stand-up Is The Only Career Like That Where Once You Get Really Big At It, People Kind Of Encourage You Not To Do It.

For The Most Part, Comedy Is The Only Fair Part Of Show Business.

I'm A Nerd. I'm A Little Guy... The Last Guy You'd Expect In A Romantic Movie.