Thank You, Yard Sales, For Being The

Newt Gingrich Plans To Announce His Campaign For President This Wednesday. I Don’t Know About His Chances. I Mean, I’m Not Saying Gingrich Peaked In The ‘90s, But His Campaign Is Being Sponsored By Tamagotchis And Crystal Pepsi.

After Months Of Negotiations, Iran Has Finally Agreed To Reduce Its Nuclear Weapons Program. Which Was Great Until Putin Showed Up And Said, 'hi, I'm Here About Craigslist Ad For Nukes.'

A Major Iowa Newspaper Published An Op-ed Against Trump Calling Him A 'self-absorbed, Wholly Unqualified Feckless Blowhard.' Or As Trump Put It, 'you Forgot Very Rich ... I'm A Very Rich, Self-absorbed, Wholly Unqualified Feckless Blowhard. Very, Very Rich.'

In A New Poll Of Democratic Voters, Presidential Candidate Lincoln Chafee Came In With Zero Percent Support. Or In Other Words: We're All Tied With Presidential Candidate Lincoln Chafee.

President Obama Became The First Sitting President To Visit A Federal Prison Yesterday. Obama Said It Was A Good Chance To Talk About Prison Reform, And To Catch Up With So Many Former Congressmen.