Teach Your Kids To Make Deplorable Choices

Even When I Go To A Salad Bar, I Need To Feel Like I'm One Of The First People There.

I Can't Do Anything! I Can't Even Have An English Muffin!

I Am Going To Name A Group Of My Kids After My Favorite Cartoons, I Am Going To Name Them After Transformers.

You Have To Realize, When You're A Comedian, That You Have To Have A Thick Skin. And Trust Me, Being Onstage In Front Of People Is Already Difficult Enough. Somebody's Personal Attack In An Email Is Not As Hard As Getting Onstage.

I'm In A New Club, By The Way. And I Don't Know If You're First Timers Like I Am, But I'm In The 'i Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have You Done That? Yeah, Good Times. I'm On The Phone And I Forget That I'm Using Shoulder Technique. Urinals Were Taken So I Went In To Use The Regular John. And As I'm Standing There, Mid-conversation, I'm Like 'are You Serious?' And It Just Started To Toboggan Right Down My Powerful Chest.