Sometimes I Get Really Lonely. Especially When

I Had The Cab Driver Drive Me Here Backwards, And The Dude Owed Me $27.50.

I`ve Not Really Been Angling To Be A Comedian. I Knew Comics And I Loved Them And I Loved Being Funny, But I Didn't Understand The Whole Concept Of Becoming One. My First Couple Of Times On Stage, I Was Like, "this Is What I'm Doing For Sure." I Was So Excited.

I've Never Stayed At A Bed And Breakfast. If I Did, I Figure You Would Start To Get Hungry! "is That All You Got Around Here? Well, Maybe You Can Direct Me To A Chair Lunch Dinner."

People Ask Me For My Autograph After A Show. I'm Not Famous, I Think They're Messing With Me. I Think They're Trying To Make Me Late For Something.

I Played Golf... I Did Not Get A Hole In One, But I Did Hit A Guy. That's Way More Satisfying.