Somebody Threw A Book At President Obama.

Public Service Announcement: In Case Of A Terrorist Attack, Bottled Water And Duct Tape Are Not Going To Do A Damn Thing. So Do What Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge Does: Get Really Drunk, And Pick Up A Hooker.

I Went To The Beach A Couple Of Times In New York City. Tough Summer Out There, But I Was Pretty Excited. I Found What I Thought At The Time Was A Very Rare Seashell. And I Took It To A Friend Of Mine Who Works In A Museum. And I Was Really Disappointed. It Turned Out To Be Just A Human Ear.

There Is No Off Position On The Genius Switch.

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe The Government Will Do A Better Job Of Spending The Money I Earn Than I Would.

It's Tax Season. When I Woke This Morning And Realized It Was Tax Season, I Said, My God, Didn't We Just Pay Taxes Last Year?