President Bush Has Urged People To Get

I Don't Mean To Harp On This, But It's Like The Networks Are A How-to Manual For Terrorists. You See Them On The News. This Reporter Is Standing Outside A Water Treatment Plant, Going, 'if They Poured The Poison Here It Could Wipe Out Thousands Because The Guard Is Off Duty From Noon Until 1 Every Day!'

Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama Announced His New Economic Team. You Know What He Should Do? Hire Those People Who Were In Charge Of His Fundraising Campaign. We Can Pay This Thing Off In Like A Week.

There Is Now A $5 Million Dollar Bounty On Osama Bin Laden. Which Marks The First Time In History There Has Ever Been A Bounty On A Guy's Head Who Wears Bounty On His Head.

According To Time Magazine, Global Warming Is 33% Worse Than We Thought. You Know What That Means? Al Gore Is One-third More Annoying Than We Thought.

People Made A Big Deal Out Of The Fact This Is The First Time A Sitting President Has Done A Late-night Show. We Tried To Have Other Presidents On, But President Bush Went To Bed Every Night At 9:00. And President Clinton Always Seemed To Have Other Late-night Plans.