My Wife Gets So Jealous. She Came

If My Father Had Hugged Me Even Once, I'd Be An Accountant Right Now.

Having Children Is Like Living In A Frat House - Nobody Sleeps, Everything's Broken, And There's A Lot Of Throwing Up.

Sex After One Child Shows Down. After Twins... Ooh... I'll Tell You What It Is For Us. I'll Share It With You. Every Three Months. We Don't Plan It That Way. That's Just How It Works Out. It's The Weirdest Thing. You Know What I Do? Every Time I Have Sex, The Next Day I Pay My Estimated Tax. My Quarterlies Are Due. If It's Oral Sex, I Renew My Driver's License.

The Comics That Are Just Conversing With You Up There And Drawing On Their Own Life, Yeah, I Guess So. I Guess Some Do Political Humor, Some Do Topical Humor, But The Ones That I Like, The Ones That Are Appealing To Me, Were Guys Who Were Just Talking To You About Their Life.

People Think Living In Your Parents' Basement Until You're Twenty-nine Is Lame. But What They Don't Realize Is That While You're There, You Save Money On Rent, Food, And Dates.