My Definition Of An Intellectual Is Someone

I Don't Think I've Ever Died On Stage. I've Had Jokes That Died On Stage. I've Told A Joke And Absolutely Nothing. They Didn't Know It Was The End Of The Joke.

When I Was 12, We Went From Glasgow To Aberdeen On A School Trip. It Was Called Fresh Air Fortnight.

Heckling Is An Act Of Cowardice. If You Want To Speak, Get Up In Front Of The Microphone And Speak, Don't Sit In The Dark Hiding. It's Easy To Hide And Shout And Waste People's Time.

On George W Bush: That Man Sits At That Desk In The White House With The Button That Can End The World. My Father's Younger Than Him And We Don't Give Him The Controls For The Television.

Scottish-americans Tell You That If You Want To Identify Tartans, It's Easy - You Simply Look Under The Kilt, And If It's A Quarter-pounder, You Know It's A Mcdonald's.