My Comfort Zone Is Press Conferences.

I Understand Tea Partyers' Anger With The System, But They Are In Way Over Their Heads And Often Racially Motivated, And I Can't Be Part Of That.

Yesterday, I Masturbated For 45 Minutes... With Salad Tongs.

Fat Jokes To Me Are Always, Always Hilarious, As Long As They're Done Towards Yourself.

Four Years Ago On This Very Day I Tried To Take My Own Life. And I Said, "zach, Do It In Front Of Your Co-workers And End The Misery." I Don't Know How Many Of You Ever Tried To Jump Off Of A Pizza Hut, But You'll Just Get A Sprained Ankle Out Of The Deal. Then You'll Have To Go Back Inside, And Serve Crazy Bread.

I Want To Do Another Reality Show. It's Based On The Mole. It's About Sexually Transmitted Diseases. It's Called "god, I Hope That's A Mole."