It's Not So Much Knowing When To

I Must Be Cheaper Now Than I Was Ten Years Ago In Order To Get A Laugh. It's Not Funny Now If I Leave The Table And Give The Waiter A Nickel Tip, Which Was A Laugh Years Ago. Today I Must Maneuver It So That Somehow I Get The Waiter To Give Me A Nickel Tip.

There's Only Five Real People In Hollywood. Everyone Else Is Mel Blanc.

I Was Going To Buy My Girl A Packard Car For Christmas, But It Took Too Long To Deliver, So I Bought Her Some Handkerchiefs.

No Matter How Often I Tell People I'm Thirty-nine Some Of Them Refuse To Believe I'm That Old.

I Practice Three Hours Daily On My Violin So I Won't Get Worse.