I'm Quietly Becoming New York's Premiere Actor.

You Can’t Make Everybody Laugh. You Gotta Just Do What You Think Is Funny. Just Be Obstreperous To Everybody.

I Think People Tend To Feel Odd When I Do My Act. Unless You Are An Ironic Person, It's Not A Good Place For You To Be.

I Think Helen Of Troy Must Have Been Pretty Hot. She Got Two Countries Going Crazy For 10 Years Over Her.

I Think If You Try To Tailor Your Act To Anybody, You End Up With An Act That Doesn't Work Anyway.

The Mistake That People Make In Stand-up Is Thinking They're Profound Or They're Deep When There Are So Many People Who Have More Worthwhile Ways Of Phrasing Things.