I'm Not A Comic. I'm A Humorist.

It's Cool To Be Healthy.

We Used To Root For The Indians Against The Cavalry, Because We Didn't Think It Was Fair In The History Books That When The Cavalry Won It Was A Great Victory, And When The Indians Won It Was A Massacre.

Every Holiday On The Calendar, I Check In A Hotel And Fast - I Don't Eat, I Don't Drink, I Don't Talk.

You Hear Entertainers All The Time, Saying, 'if I Couldn't Get Paid For This, I'd Do It For Free.' When's The Last Time You Ever Heard A Business Person Say, 'if I Couldn't Get Paid For Being Chairman Of British Petroleum, I'd Do It For Free'?

Because You Make Me Laugh Don't Make You A Comic. A Comedian Is A Person Who, That's How They Make Their Living.