I'm A Joke Comic. I Tell Jokes.

Every Dude In Here Has Had A Fantasy About Jessica Simpson. Here's Mine: Jessica, Hold Your Sister Ashlee So I Can Kick Her In The Throat.

Sometimes You Need A Cigarette. Like After You Have Sex With A Beautiful Woman Or A Confused Young Man.

I Keep Getting These People At My Shows Who Only Know Me From Television. I Can Always Tell When They're, Like, Emotionally Flinching When I Start Doing My Jokes.

My Day Jobs... I Knew I Was Bad At Those, So I Didn't Really Have The Confidence To Think That I Could Do Comedy. But I Knew I Hated The Day Jobs.

For A Long Time The People At My Shows Were Sort Of The Pantera-tattoo Trucker Guys, Really Cool Dudes, But I Don't Know What Happened To Them. That's The Crowd That I Like, The Ones That Don't Get So Offended Just To Be Offended.