If Mike Tyson Was The Voice Of

I Have Gay Friends, I Support Gay Rights, I Have Nothing Against The Gay Community, But When I See Two Guys Kissing, I Think It's Gross. And, By The Way, It's Gross When 99% Of Straight People Do It, Too.

Historically, A Successful Life In Comedy Is A Dream That's As Equally Pondered And Unpursued As Being An Astronaut.

I Used To Be A Longshoreman. I Didn't Go To College. I Have A Voice That When I Say Something, It Can Sound Way Meaner Than You Think It Is.

When You Did Impressions On 'madtv,' The Producers Gave You A Walkman That Played Huge Sections Of Whatever Movie Was Being Parodied, With Your Character's Catchphrases Recorded On A Loop. You'd Wear This Thing Around During Rehearsals And For A Week Listen To The Voice You Had To Impersonate Over And Over Again. It Drove All Of Us Crazy.

For A Degenerate Like Me, Vegas Is Like A Walk Down Memory Lane. Last Time I Went To Vegas, I Went To My Old Coke Dealer's Kid's Bar Mitzvah.