I'd Shake His Hand, But I Think

David Letterman Is The Best Late-night Talk Show Host Right Now, Hands Down, And Has Been Since He First Took The Desk.

If You Had A Personal Trainer, You Would Probably Eat Him. I Know That In Every Fat Person, There's A Skinny Person Inside, But You Could Have All The Season's Contestants Of America's Next Top Model In You. I Hope I Get Reincarnated As Your Feet. That Way, You'd Never See My Face Again... Oh, I'm Sorry. I Shouldn't Have Insulted You. Because In My Country, Cows Are Sacred.

When We Got Married, We Agreed On A Boy For Me, And A Girl For You. Mine's Upstairs Sleeping. Good Luck With Yours!

Marijuana Brownies Are Amazing. Very Simple To Make, Too. Just Get Some Duncan Hines Brownie Mix And Cook The Weed Right In There. Drop It Right In With The Butter. I Don't Know Who Came Up With This Idea First, But It's Sheer Genius.

We Need To Get Better At Voting And Be A Voice For The People Who Do Not Have One.