I Wasn't Funny As A Kid. I

President Reagan Is A Lot Like E.t. He's Cute, He's Lovable, And He Knows Nothing About How Americans Live.

I Can Tell By Your Eye Shadow, You're From Brooklyn, Right? . . . Me Too. My Mother Has Plastic Covers On All The Furniture. Even The Poodle. Looked Like A Barking Hassock Walking Down The Street.

When I Was Growing Up In Comedy, There Were Maybe 10 Comics In The Whole Country. Everyone Had A Day Job. You Worked Free For Years In Little Clubs, Then You Got Your Big Break And Became A Star.

Now That The Court Has Declared Money To Be Speech, I Say We Replace The Current Court With Some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, A Couple Of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, A Sacajawea Or Two, And An Abe Lincoln To Cover Scalia In Full.

When Women Are Depressed, They Eat Or Go Shopping.