I Have Always Put My Own Money

Stand-up Is Like A Movie Every Night. You Write It, Direct It, Produce It, The Audience Votes, And You Go Home. There's Nothing More Satisfying.

I Am Thankful I Was Born In America, Although If I Gain Any More Weight The Burqa Thing May Start To Seem Like A Good Idea To Me. See? Another Plus About America, You Can Always Find Some Food.

Horse Racing Is Waning In Popularity.

I Didn't Get A High School Diploma. I Really Didn't Have Much Of An Education, Which Left Me Open To Educating Myself Throughout My Life, Without The Limitations On Intellectual Curiosity A Formal Education Can Impose. I Followed What Interested Me.

I've Never Been Married, But I Tell People I'm Divorced So They Won't Think Something Is Wrong With Me.