I Have Always Put My Own Money

As A Standup Comedian, I've Worked Almost Every New Year's Eve Of My Adult Life. It's The Best-paying Night Of The Year.

While Editors And Newspaper Owners Currently Fret Over Shrinking Readership And Lost Profits, They Do The One Thing That Insures Cutting Their Own Throats; They Keep Reducing Space For The One Feature That Attracts New Young Readers In The First Place; The Comic Strips.

Pigs Are Smarter Than Dogs, And Both Are Smarter Than Congress.

I Love My Parents And They're Wonderful People, But They Were Strict, And I Still Look For Ways To Get Even. When I Got My Own Apartment For The Very First Time And They Came To Stay With Me For The Weekend, I Made Them Stay In Separate Bedrooms.

Men In Power Always Seem To Get Involved In Sex Scandals, But Women Don't Even Have A Word For 'male Bimbo.' Except Maybe 'senator.