I Remixed A Remix, It Was Back

I Like When They Say A Movie Is Inspired By A True Story. That's Kind Of Silly. "hey, Mitch, Did You Hear That Story About That Lady Who Drove Her Car Into The Lake With Her Kids And They All Drowned?" "yeah, I Did, And You Know What - That Inspires Me To Write A Movie About A Gorilla!"

Wearing A Turtleneck Is Like Being Strangled By A Really Weak Guy, All Day. Wearing A Backpack And A Turtleneck Is Like A Weak Midget Trying To Bring You Down.

Some Comics Get Drunk Before A Show. I Don't. When I Get Drunk, I Don't Want To Stand In Front Of A Bunch Of People That I Don't Know. That Does Not Sound Comfortable. Why Have All These People Gathered? And Why Am I Elevated And Not Facing The Same Way As Everyone Else? And What Is This Electric Stick In My Hand? I Want A Chair Too!

People Who Smoke Cigarettes, They Say "you Don't Know How Hard It Is To Quit Smoking." Yes I Do. It's As Hard As It Is To Start Flossing.

I Have A "do Not Disturb" Sign On My Hotel Door. It's Time To Go To "don't Disturb". It's Been "do Not" For Too Long. We Should Embrace The Contraction.