I Just Had A Pedicure. My Feet

Jon Lovitz. Jon, Your Act Is Like Masturbation: You're The Only One Who Enjoys It, And You Should Be Arrested For Doing It In Public.

If I Ever Die, I Want It To Be Cause I Got Hit By A Car Saving A Kid.

The Comedy Store - All Three Rooms Were Filled With 800 People In The Room. And During That Time, All These Guys And Some Women, But Mostly Guys Who Weren't Funny Were Doing Stand Up For A Living; They Weren't Accountants, They Were Making $30-$50 Grand A Year On The Road, Or More.

Behind Every Great Man In Prison Is Another Great Man In Prison.

My Confidence Wavers Between Being Genuine And Being Insecure.