I Get In Fewer Arguments When I'm

My Mom Is One Of Those Really Angry Moms Who Gets Mad At Absolutely Everything. Once When I Was A Little Kid, I Accidentally Knocked A Flintstones Glass Off The Kitchen Table. She Said, 'well, Dammit, We Can't Have Nice Things.'

What Moron Said That Knowledge Is Power? Knowledge Is Power Only If It Doesn't Depress You So Much That It Leaves You In An Immobile Heap At The End Of Your Bed.

President Obama Could Keep A Big Map With Push Pins On It To Keep Track Of How Many Countries Hate Us, And When We Get Down To Only Half, Let's Have A Ball. I'll Blow Up The Balloons Myself.

I Have Jokes I've Told Before And Will Tell Again, But My Favorite Part Of The Night Is Talking To The Crowd.

I Was Born In Alabama, But I Only Lived There For A Month Before I'd Done Everything There Was To Do.