I Am A Dyke! And I'm Damn

My Husband Wanted To Be Cremated. I Told Him I'd Scatter His Ashes At Neiman Marcus - That Way, I'd Visit Him Every Day.

Every Comedian Is Furious. Age Makes Me Angry. I'm Unhappy At Not Being Able To Open Packages Anymore. I'm Angry That Libraries Have Gone. I Hate Children On Planes. I'm Very Shallow, So They Tend To Be Little Things. To Be Honest, I Think I Was Probably Angry The Day I Was Born, You Know, About Diapers Or Something.

I Told My Mother-in-law That My House Was Her House, And She Said, 'get The Hell Off My Property.'

I Was Not An Attractive Child.

My Breasts Are So Low, Now I Can Have A Mammogram And A Pedicure At The Same Time.